Emotional dependence

(English version below)

Today, we feel the need to address a subject that comes up often for us. And as our courses, massages and tantric initiations attract more and more people, this is certainly not the last time we’ll be talking about it.
First of all, we’re not addressing this text to anyone in particular! But we think it’s important to name it so that everyone can take care of it personally and so that there’s a better dynamic in the events we organize.

Emotional dependence – A space-holder and tantric initiator’s point of view

We often meet people at critical or very emotional moments in their lives. We open our hearts and offer support, openness, love, compassion and touch to anyone who feels up to it, in spaces where they can feel free and accepted as they are. And of course, we try to keep our own boundaries in this area.

As we’ve learned from our group workshops and individual sessions: some people, or most of them, have never experienced this kind of unconditional openness and love. For some, it feels like a life-saving anchor – they’re desperate for a solution in their personal lives, and place all hope of that solution or support in spaces like the one we offer, or in other people.

And therein lies a danger: The danger of thinking that someone or something else can make us happy. “If this person does or says this, I feel better…. I need this person to put me out of my misery”, “I only feel good when I do this or that… I need to book the next event”. This is when emotional dependence begins. It’s the moment when we begin to entrust our responsibility and power to someone else.

But don’t misunderstand us: SHARING feelings and emotions between friends and lovers is a beautiful thing. But if this NEED to connect with someone else is the only way to feel good, then we can consider that there’s something in us that’s out of balance. That we’re not able to nourish ourselves.

The consequences of emotional dependence are diverse: not feeling good enough, feeling “too…”, empty, unloved or abandoned, if we meet someone else’s limit by receiving a “no”. This moment reveals the extent to which the person going through this process is aware of his or her dependence.

It’s worth knowing the internal signals that point to emotional dependence. The more aware you are, the more opportunity you’ll have to take care of yourself and rediscover your own strength.
The signals (not feeling good enough, feeling “too…”, empty, unloved or abandoned…) are usually triggered when you encounter someone else’s limit.

And in cases where the addiction is not conscious, the consequences can be internal (validating traumas and reconnecting to the feelings already mentioned) and/or external (blaming the other, blaming, aggressing and thus creating stories about the other).

So we’d like to encourage you: If you observe something like this in yourself, you can ask yourself a few questions:

What do I think the other person can bring me that I can’t bring myself?
Is it really his fault that I feel the way I do right now?
Have I experienced similar situations in the past?
What am I missing?
What is the need behind this lack?
How can I feed him independently

Why did we decide to tackle this issue?

As organizers, space-holders or initiators, we sometimes observe that certain people develop a kind of emotional dependence on us. They want to spend more and more time with us, they offer help, gifts or money in order to receive something in return that might satisfy their need for love and recognition. Unfortunately, we already have a lot of obligations and responsibilities, and we’re limited in the amount of attention we can offer each other.

Please don’t misunderstand us: We cherish and appreciate every minute that people give us, every gift, every attention, every beautiful word that we value so much! It nourishes us enormously! But we want to encourage everyone to do this from a “fulfilled self”, not from a lack. And we’d like to have the choice to meet others through our voluntary desire to offer a gift, not out of obligation.

We are fully aware that this can happen at any time to anyone – to us or to you.

And since we don’t want to create an emotional dependency with anyone, we were inspired to write this article to give this group a push to take a closer look at themselves and bring more awareness to themselves. When you bring a gift, or offer your time, do you really give something out of fulfillment and joy, or in the hope of receiving something in return? Do you feel that you’re blaming others for the fact that you’re not feeling well? Do you feel that someone is taking something from you, when in fact he or she is giving you a gift?

We’d like to grow with you, while respecting our own pace and abilities. What we can offer you: encourage you to share with us when you feel emotionally triggered. We listen, we talk, we share tools to help you regain balance and self-love. We’re happy to support people in this process. But it’s up to each individual to make a difference. We can’t and won’t take responsibility for “making someone happy”. Even in our marriage or family we choose not to take that responsibility. But we can help find the right path to personal responsibility.

Stéfanie and Nicolas – June 22, 2023

-Today we feel the need to address a topic that is occurring frequently for us. And as our propositions attract more and more people and are very deep experiences, this won’t be the last time we talk about this subject.

First of all, we’re not addressing this text to anyone in particular! But we think it’s important to name it so that everyone can take care of it personally and so that there’s a better dynamic in the events we organise.

Emotional dependency – A “space-holder” and “tantric initiator” point of view

We often meet people in critical or very moving moments in their lives. We open our hearts and give support, openness, love, compassion and touch to everyone that feels ready for it-in spaces where they can feel free and accepted as they are. And of course, we try to keep our own boundaries in this.

As we have learned from our group courses and individual sessions: Some/Most of the people never experienced this kind of unconditional openness and love. For some it seems like a saving anchor-they are desperately looking for a solution in their personal life and put all the hope for this solution or support on spaces like we offer, or on other people. And in this, there is a danger: The danger to think somebody or something else can make us happy. “If he or she is doing or saying this, I feel better… I need this person to get out of my misery” or “I feel only good when I do this or that… I have to book the next event”. This is the moment when emotional dependency is starting. This is the moment when we start to give our responsibility and power to somebody else. Please don’t get it wrong: A SHARING about feelings and emotions between friends and lovers is a beautiful thing. As well as having beautiful touch and encounters. But if it is a need to be connected with someone else because it seems to be the ONLY way to feel good … this shows us that something in us is out of balance. It shows that we are not able to nourish, love or take care of ourselves.

But what are the internal signals that indicate emotional dependency. The more aware you are, the more opportunity you will have to take care of yourself and rediscover your own strength and happiness.
The signals like for example not feeling good enough, feeling too much, empty, unloved or abandoned… are generally triggered when you meet someone else’s boundaries.

And if the dependency is not conscious, the consequences can be internal ones like for example recreating traumas or reconnecting over and over with the same patterns of destructive beliefs. And/or it can be external ones like blaming others, attacking, gossiping or creating stories about the other people out of the feeling hurt, frustrated or rejected.

So, we would like to encourage you: If you can observe something like this in yourself, you can ask yourself some questions:

– What do I think can the other one give me, what I can not give myself?

– Is it really his/her fault, that I am feeling like I do right now?

– Or have I experienced similar situations already in the past?

– What am I missing? What is the need behind it? How can I feed it independently?

Why we address this: As organiser and space-holder, we sometimes notice that people develop a kind of emotional dependence on us. They want to spend more and more time with us, they offer help, gifts or money in order to receive something in return that might satisfy their need for love and recognition. Unfortunately, we already have a lot of obligations and responsibilities and we are limited in the amount of attention we can offer. Please, don’t understand us wrong: We cherish and appreciate every minute people give us, every present, attention, beautiful word we enjoy a lot! This is nourishing us so so much! But we want to encourage everybody to give it out of a fulfilled and balanced self, not out of a lack. And we would like to have the choice to meet the other one as well out of our voluntary wish to give, not out of an obligation to give something back.

As we can see in our daily life, we are fully aware that this could happen at any time to anyone-to us, to you, to friends or family. We have no desire to create any emotional dependency-because this would mean we take the power from somebody to feel in love and happy with him- or herself! For this we were inspired to write this article in order to give an impulse to everybody that feels a resonance with the topic. We invite you to take a closer look and bring more awareness to your internal balance. Do you “give” something really out of fulfillment and joy, or in the hope of receiving something in return? Do you feel that you are blaming others for the fact that you are not feeling well? Do you truly love yourself in all your imperfection? Do you have the impression that someone is taking something from you, when in fact he or she is giving you a gift?

If we speak for us: we would like to grow with you and at the same time respect our own rhythmic and capacities. What we can offer to the people we meet: to encourage to share with us, when there is a trigger. To listen, to talk about it, to maybe share some tools how you can get more into balance and love with yourself. In this we are super-happy to support people. But the action to change something is up to everybody else. We can and do not want to take this responsibility to “make somebody happy”. We even do not claim this in our closest circle for example in our love-relationships. But we can help to find the good way into the self-responsibility.

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