Conscious Play-Night

Dear future participant

You have heard about our « Love family » project and the Play-Nights.

If you would like to take part in the next Play-Nights, we would ask you to read these values carefully and then check that you agree with them. It has taken us some time to create and write these values so that we can improve the space and keep it safe for everyone and we thank you in advance for the time you will take to read them consciously.

What are our Values:

Confidentiality

… is one of the main pillars the community is built on! As we keep the things you live in the space confidential, we ask you the same. Many people of our circle come in this space to heal very, very deep wounds or because there is simply no other safe space they can show themselves in what they want to share! We want to be able to be vulnerable, open and emotional. In the framework of the community everybody can learn to let go of old patterns, if we hold each other a 100 % safe space. We ask you to give what you want to receive: trust, compassion and respect and to not talk about others or their stories or actions outside of the circle. Even if you feel a trigger in a story, behavior or sharing: We ask you to reflect about it in a confidential way – every trigger contains a mirror, something that is maybe not in peace in yourself. We ask you to consider it as an invitation to take a look inside, what are you not allowing yourself, why do you feel triggered and has it really something to do with this particular other person? If you need support in this reflection, we are, of course, open to help you in this.

Talking or revealing information outside of the circle about others is an act we consider as violent!

If trust is damaged to one person or the whole group, it will not be easy, if not impossible to rebuild it again. We are in a Sex positive-space, that means we are highly vulnerable as a group as there are a lot, a lot of judgments about the topic of sexuality! And on top: If someone is talking outside of the circle, it is not just putting the group in danger but also themself, as they are participants of the whole concept!

If you want to share outside of the group, then we ask you to speak of YOUR OWN experience, without naming others. What are the facts, without the projection of your own story, and what feelings did these facts bring to you? We ask you also to share these things with people you trust and you feel they have an open, not judgmental mind that.

Non-Violence 

We would like to point out where violence is starting for us:

1. In breaking the trust of one person or the whole group. As we said: once trust is broken it is hard to fix it again!
2. Playing the blame-game when there is a conflict or tension. Yes, sometimes it is not easy to admit a mistake. But it will not work out in a community to point fingers at each other. Or: in making yourself small in repeating self-destructive beliefs towards yourself and playing a victim. This will poison the whole energy of the group.
3. Calling each other names. Even if you are triggered as hell, that doesn’t give you the right to choose verbal violence on someone else.
4. Threats in any kind of way. If there is an unsolved problem, if somebody broke the trust, if you want to protect someone else or yourself: even if you are right, that doesn’t give you the permission to threaten someone. If you do this we can not let you enter into the space of the Play-Night anymore, as we don’t know what happens if something hits this trigger inside of you during the evening! We will not put the space in danger, if we know that someone can not handle their anger!
5. Physical violence will exclude you instantly from the Play-Night. Without any pardon and coming back.

So, where the non-violence is starting for us: to meet each other on a compassionate and heart-open level. Even if you might not understand the intention of the other one yet (or ever). It is about respecting each other, also if we have different point of views, definitions of certain terms or ideas. We ask you to go into an open dialog with each other where you can diskuss the solutions how everyone can continue to feel good—even if you share one space. This should happen in service of the group and to maintain the heart-opening-energy we are all so attracted to. If you feel, that you just want to take distance in order to take care of yourself, we ask you to do this in a respectful way.

Transparenz and non violent communication

As it is not common in our society to communicate in a non-violent way, it can take a while to learn it. So, we see the community as well as the field to grow into this. If you don’t know how to go into a dialog with each other to solve a matter, we are more than happy to share some guidelines with you, so that you can learn to handle these situations by yourself—inside of the circle and, by the way: for all the other relationships you have in your life!

We ask you to stay true to yourself and communicate this in a compassionate and transparent way to the people you are interacting with. If you do not stick to yourself, you do not leave the other one the choice to decide what feels right for them. Nobody has to please someone else against their wish to do so. So please speak your truth referring to YOUR OWN experience and check in how the other one is feeling with it. Caretaking is for us important to (again) maintain the good vibe of the community! The Play-Night and the community we build is not a field where to pick the best and drop the rest.

Please express your feelings, limits and desires in “I”-form. Be authentic, speak from yourself, summarise the facts of your experience and the feelings that these facts create inside of you. Please do not point the finger in your language („Because you did this and that, I am hurt.“). If you are not yet aware of it, we invite you to reflect your projections you might put on others. We invite you to establish the mindset of: nobody wants me something bad–but more: everybody is reacting out of their own experiences, needs, wounds and fears. If you would like to go deeper in the non-violent communication, you can f.e. come to one of our nvc-evenings or check the following video as an entrance to the topic: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l7TONauJGfc

We invite you to use with every new encounter the RBDSMC-Tool you will learn in the Play-Night context. Set the other one in the picture what is your intention for the encounter and give her/him time to feel into a „Yes“ or „no“. This is also the case if you have to deal with more than one partners. Practice deep listening to each other. Maybe repeat a small summary of what you heard, so that the other one has the chance to correct or add something important. And if you feel someone’s actions and words are not matching to your needs: please go into the dialog to clarify the definition of important key-words (f.e. Love, engagement, freedom). The meaning of words like that can be different for everyone. Not better or worse—just different. Or, if you feel, there will be no solution that feels good for you both, take a respectful distance to the situation or the other one.

This is the same if you feel a trigger in the communication with someone, that brings you in your emotions (fear, anger, sadness). If you feel you can not catch a clear thought anymore, you can just express this respectfully to the other one: „I feel a trigger inside of me and sadness is coming up. I think, I can not give you a clear response right now. My need is to take some time for myself, but we can continue to talk about it later.“ Reacting out of emotions will most likely not bring a good solution or communication. So it sometimes better to cool down before the discussion continues.

Self-Responsibility

… in the circle

We see this group as a community and to be part of this community, we must each take responsibility for ourselves and towards the other participants. —also to respect the synergy of the whole group and the loving energy we all want to feel there. For this we will ask you to be open to grow with us, what means to be open to reflect your own behavior in the group and to stay open for feedback if there is one. This can be a delicate matter, especially if we are still in the learning process to speak transparently and non-violent with each other. But: if we agree all to do our best in trying to communicate this way, we can open a dialog from the heart and find good solutions for everybody. Everybody has his/her package to carry… if we develop a communicative culture where we can try to feel into the other ones struggle, we can open new and healthy doors to deal with relationships in and out of this cercle.

… regarding yourself

We want that this circle is a safe space—also beyond the actual Play-Night evenings. What we can do as initiator is, to give the framework of these values we share with you and our support, if you don’t know how to deal with certain things.

But we cannot and do not want to control everything 100%.

Concerning sharing on social networks, whatsapp groups, facebook groups,… Be careful what you post! Take responsibility! These channels can NEVER be 100% secure! You don’t even need an untrustworthy member of the community: the loss of a phone or the possibility of a hacker attack is simply a fact. If something doesn’t seem ready to go out into the world, don’t share it on a social media channel.

Be aware that you have in every encounter or situation the choice: to stay, to leave, to create something or not. No one is against you: not life itself and no other participant. If you have the feeling of being in the role of a “victim”, a “violator” or you want to “rescue” someone and for that sacrifice you own needs: be open to the idea, that this was/is also a choice you took/take. Ask yourself what you can make differently to not feel this discomfort anymore and create actively what you want to life or need in this moment—or what you do NOT want to life anymore. How to do that, we are more than open to support you in it. But you are the one that has to take the steps.

Be aware, that we are no therapists. What we can offer is a space where people can meet and support each other. But we can not heal you. This is your job to do. If you feel not stable enough to handle your emotions, please consider to pass your turn for a Play-Night, f.e. Nobody else but you can better assess your capacity to come in this space than you. So, if you feel a resistance, an insecurity—let us know about it and take your responsibility to take care of yourself.

No judgments 

We ask you to keep the space free of judgements. We all have them, and that is absolutely okay. This is what we need to survive in a complex world.

But if you realise that something doesn’t resonate with you, we invite you to observe what happens inside of you and accept it as your boundary or an edge of your comfortzone. As long as the consent of every involved person is there, please keep your judgements for yourself, as it might have an effect on the freedom others could feel in their sharing.

If you identify the feeling inside of you as an edge of your comfort-zone, of course you can work in it in this space. If you wish to. But please don’t judge others in what they live with a gaze, words or actions. Maybe they finally dare after many years to create it. A simple word can sometimes reactivate old wounds and feelings of insecurity, resulting by a closing of the experience. We assume you do not want this for yourself, so we ask you to respect this rule for the others as well.

Safety

… about your mental and physical body

We ask you to take care of your needs and boundaries! Whether it is a physical or mental one. If you do not feel ready mentally: just come to the next Play-Night, take a pause, ask yourself what would nourish you to be in your full power again and if this is the right place for you. Of course you can be vulnerable and emotional when you come in the space or in your exchange. But please respect your boundaries when you meet them and do not create a trauma in pushing yourself through something.

If you need the support of the group: just ask for it. Most likely someone can understand and support you in your struggles. You do not have to deal with everything alone. It is all about finding this balance between daring to ask/taking the support of others and staying in your own self-responsibility as well as self-care.

… about your sexual health 

It is the same: we can not do more than to provide protection and point it out. But you have to be the one that has to take it or openly talk about it to find an agreement which risk you are willing to take. We also invite everybody to take regulary STD-Test, for your own and the safety of others. If you « catch » an STD during Play-Nights, we will not be held responsible. So please take care and stay safe!

… for and in the group

With every new application, every new participant, we put already some effort and time into “feeling” this person’s energy. If we feel any red flags or if we consider the person as save for the group and space, so we’re not inviting him to join us. So please, do the same. Don’t invite a neighbour or friend if you already feel they aren’t interested in a conscious connection with others and wouldn’t fit in with the community! If you are attracted to this person, dare to propose what you want to live with him/her, but do it outside our community.

Be aware with who you speak about the space of the Play-Night outside of the circle. If someone is not ready for the space of the Play-Night and feels attracted to it, we will have somehow to deal with finding a solution NOT to have this person in the space. If this feedback is received by “immature ears”, it can create a feeling of rejection and jealousy for this person. Not matter how much we try to speak in a non-violent way. And we can not foresee how this person will react to this, it could put the space in danger!

This community is way too fragile for inviting people that are not ready to take the gifts the community can give. If is coming along as a nice encounter as well as trigger one can grow with. If you want to know about what red flags we are talking about, we are happy to share with you which things we consider as not “mature enough” for the space. If this picture helps you: ask yourself the question if you longterm would feel safe with this person in a setting like the Play-Night, dropping your pants, showing yourself emotionally and physically naked.

• If we use the words „mature“ or „immature“ it is not our intention to judge someone. But we need a measurement how we can keep the space a safe one. So how we define the term „maturity“ in the context of a space like the Play-Night means for us, to be open and ready for reflection, feedback, discussion and personal growth. Immaturity is for us a term to describe a (recent) incapacity of setting a clear and authentic intention, using a compassionate communication, the will to grow (also through difficult matters) or being insensitive or judgmental in the choice of words. We do not want to exclude someone as one of the pillars of the community is to be open-hearted–but if we have the feeling of immaturity in a talk with a person that is applying for the Play-Night, we most of the time propose another activity before, so that the person has the chance to grow into the mindset.

Consent

Consent happens BEFORE gazing, putting your fantasies on, or touching someone! If you want to join a group, if you want to join a dynamic between people, if you want to touch or if you want to talk dirty: ask and wait for a clear response! Please do not just put your sexual energy on others and be aware if you are in a taking or giving position. If it is not clear for you: ask double and accept each answer that comes up. If you recieve a no, it’s most of the time not against you personally but has more to do with the energy of the people you asked something. Consent is an obligation in our circle! If you do not follow this rule, we will have to exclude you from the circle to keep it a safe space.

If you feel a person was not waiting for your consent: it is on you to point it out to her/him. You are the one that knows your boundaries the best. We know it is sometimes not easy to do this, as a lot of us are raised to please others. But this is the perfect field to improve in it, to speak your truth and needs in clear and compassion words. “No thank you, I do not want this right now“. AGAIN: take the self-responsibility to create what you want to live and what not.

We take for us to ask after each Play-Night if someone felt any (accidental) disrespect of this rule in the space. It is not about pointing fingers. If we learn about a situation like this, we will ask the person whose boundaries were crossed to talk to the other one first. We can assist you to find the good words for that. If this is still not possible for any reason, we would go into the 1 to 1 dialog with the person, so that he or she can be aware for the next time. We are all in the learning process.

For this we ask also here to be open and to learn with each other. Of course, if we see that a person is violating this rule again on purpose, we will have to take some action to keep the space safe.