Last week, we had a whole series of beautiful exchanges on our relationship with DIVORCE in the WhatsApp group of our Love Community.
It all started with Steffi, who shared with us what she had experienced following her divorce. Her story resonated with many people in our community. I took the time to write my own testimony.
I also have the impetus to share with you my inner journey in relation to my former marriage, because I believe that proposing a different vision of separation means opening up the paths of possibility within ourselves to build healthier, more authentic and more caring relationships for everyone.
I had a 15-year relationship with my ex-wife. About ten years ago, we realized that some of our needs were very different. We began to work as a couple, including dialogue, expression and various explorations. We were both on our tantric path and fully aware of what was going on inside and outside of us. Our greatest point of tension was our different rhythms in our sexual needs.
One day, I realized that I was giving up an important part of myself to make this life together viable. The fear of losing what I had built with my ex-wife was too strong for me to risk showing this part of myself. I was afraid of the consequences: breaking up my family, hurting and disappointing my children, losing my house, experiencing a painful separation, having to share possessions and memories, and facing the idea of a “failure” of my marriage, of being judged by society on my life choices.
The tantra workshops helped me to be more in tune with myself and to accept my deepest needs. One day, after a course, I realized that the price I had to pay for putting that part of myself aside was higher than the value of the flame I had inside me. And probably because my needs had evolved and my children had grown up, I couldn’t go on like this.
So I decided to choose myself.
And I did this knowing and accepting that it could mean the end of my relationship.
With all the love I had for my ex-wife, I told her I needed a change. I expressed all the love I had for her, what I liked about the relationship, and also what I missed. I told her cautiously about some parts of me, and others not, because I wasn’t quite ready yet.
This created a great tidal wave. As we are both persevering, we sailed through the storm. We were helped by people we trusted, tantric referents and friends. And like every storm, one day it calms down. Our relationship has evolved, and we’ve lived together for another two years, sharing many beautiful moments.
But at some point, despite all these changes, it became clear that the love we both wanted was no longer there. And on my side, there were still parts of me that didn’t dare express themselves for fear of hurting my ex-wife, and some of our needs remained too different.
So we decided to call it a day as a married couple.
It was a liberation for me, free at last. Free to be myself, to make my own choices, to dare to explore certain unexplored parts of myself. Free to nourish myself the way I wanted to. Free to live my sexuality with passion and abundance.
And this liberation was a common thread running through my new life. This freedom helped me to find meaning in the material and emotional trials of separation.
At first, I was confronted with a feeling of failure. But it didn’t stay with me for very long, when I realized the wealth of experiences I could have if I were free to be myself.
Then I realized how many transformations this relationship had brought me: the quality of certain facets of our relationship, the adventures we had together, the travels, the spiritual moments, the personal introspections, the mirrors, the mutual healings. I was able to connect with the gratitude of having experienced this relationship because, without it, I wouldn’t be the person I am today. Thanks to this relationship, I’ve been able to develop my sensitivity, empathy and open-heartedness, and today I can in turn provide guidance for individuals and couples, and share tools so that each of us can be fully ourselves.
The relationship I have with my ex-wife has completely evolved. It’s no longer a romantic, loving relationship, but one of co-parenting, support, listening, friendship and sharing.
Today, I’m happy to see that I can be both free and committed in a couple relationship. That this relationship doesn’t prevent me from exploring what’s right for me. That I can choose myself, while nurturing different relationships with different qualities.
Thank you, life.
What about you? how did you experience your separations? your divorces? Looking back, can you see the gifts of those relationships that helped build the person you are today? Can you stay true to yourself while being in a relationship?
With love
Nicolas Deru
You can also read Steffi’s article on her blog: https: //www.intousia.com/2024/08/20/divorce/?lang=fr
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